From the wings
by Nina93
Summary: A one shot of Severus Snape's POV as he watches Lily and James.


Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any other recognisable characters.

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From the wings

He's watching her again. He's furious, envious, brokenhearted, desperate… He doesn't even know what he's feeling anymore. He just knows that it's killing him, that _she's_ killing him. He loves her; he loves her with everything that he has. He can't stop thinking about her, he can't stop loving her. She's perfect, an angel in his world that's filled with demons. She's always saved him; brought him out of the darkness, his only escape from the prison that was his life. She's beautiful and _so_ good and kind and generous. And she's smart and funny and interesting and he adores her so much. She's different than the rest of them, stupid and foolish kids that surround her, she's so much better than them. He despises them all, those idiots that claim to be her friends, because they took her away from him. _He_ was her best friend, _he_ was the one that she confided in, and _he_ was the one that she spent hours talking to. But they poisoned her against him, those stupid Gryffindors. They couldn't understand their friendship, they were jealous of how close she was to him so they did everything to tear them apart. Controlled by Potter and his gang, they did everything that he wanted from him. And he wanted her, that stupid, disgusting boy so he used his idiotic minions to get her. They were so narrow-minded and ignorant so they listened to him. And she was naïve and trusting and innocent, she had complete faith in them. She wouldn't listen to him when he tried to explain that they were trying to break their friendship. She said they were her friends, that they were good people, that they cared for her and that she loved them. She told him that he was the one that tore them apart; that he went on a dark path; that she couldn't forgive him for the decisions that he made. She said he had changed, that he scared her, and that he had gotten too involved with dark magic. They had manipulated her, twisted the truth so that he looked like a bad person. It wasn't like that, it really wasn't. He was going to take care of her, he was going to become important and powerful and wealthy, and Potter would be frightened of him because he was going to be so much bigger than him. And Lily would be impressed and he would finally get his revenge, he would have Lily and power and Potter wouldn't have anything.

But he had lost her. She wouldn't even talk to him anymore; she pretended that she didn't know him. So he watched her from a far. He always had because he loved her so much. It made him sick to his stomach watching her now, laughing with _him_. How could she do it? How could she let him manipulate her like that? Didn't she see how horrible he was? She always said she hated him. She always said that he was disgusting, and that she wouldn't ever go out with him. She had ranted angrily about him so many times, and he listened rejoicing that she was the only one smart enough to see through Mr. Popular, to see what an arrogant bastard he really was. It made him respect her even more, to know that she was so much smarter than the rest of them, so much better. And there she was now, laughing with _him_. They were sitting by the lake, and she was sitting in his lap, with his friends spread around them. They were talking and laughing and she looked so beautiful, sitting in the sun, a breathtaking smile on her face. And he hated that she was sitting on _his_ lap, that she was _his_. She couldn't be, he would never let her be _his_. _He_ didn't deserve her; _he_ didn't deserve to even know her. _He _would hurt her; _he_ could never really love her and take care of her, not they way he could. _He _stood up suddenly, lifting her up in his arms. She shrieked and struggled, but continued to laugh, her laughter echoing around the grounds. His friends were also laughing, rolling around on the grass, while he walked towards the edge of the lake. When she realized what he was doing, she struggled harder, a shocked expression on her face. Her eyes wide, she begged him not to do it but he dropped her in the water. She came out, sputtering and coughing, still stunned. But then her eyes narrowed and taking his hand she pulled him in the water with her. He fell in and then teasingly chased her for a while, while she ran, still shaking with amusement. He finally caught her and kissed her, long and hard. She relaxed in his arms and they stood there for a while, embracing until the whistles and catcalls from his friends distracted them. He shouted at them to stop and when they didn't, he winked at her and then jumped out of the lake and chased them around. In a while they're all in the water, splashing each other, messing around. They're having fun, looking relaxed and happy and so young and free. And he hugs her now again, kissing her slowly and tenderly. They're looking in each others eyes and he can see the "I love you" that escapes her lips and he thinks he's never felt so bad. He's watching her again and it breaks his heart, it's torturing him and he's never felt such pain before. But he still loves her more than everything, he won't ever stop loving her and sometimes he thinks it's his only reason for living. He's lost her now and it kills him, but maybe someday he can win her back. Maybe when they're out of Hogwarts and in the real world she'll see that _he's_ not special, she'll see that _he's_ nothing and that all his popularity in here doesn't mean anything. Maybe she'll come back to him, because he'll be powerful and strong and she'll realize that she loves him. Maybe she'll see that no one could ever love her as much as he does. Because she's meant to be with him and she'll wake up one day and realize that she's wrong.

And as he's watching her again and convincing himself of this he's blind to see that they really do love each other and she's never looked at him like that. He doesn't see that _he's_ turned into an admirable person and that she loves and respects and that they've all changed so much. That he's truly lost her and that once they're out of Hogwarts they'll all go into a war, but he'll be on the opposite side from them, that he has already chosen the wrong side. He doesn't see that they've managed to grow up and to turn into good people and they will do amazing thinks and help so many people and that he's blinded by delusions of power to see what truly matters and that he'll become a villain and will commit heinous crimes. He's watching her again, but he can't see the truth and he can't see how wrong he is and what a horrible mistake he's doing.

Twenty years later he watches her son on that same spot laughing with his friends and a red-headed girl on his lap and he's filled with regret and guilt and sorrow so deep that he can hardly breathe from it. He watches her son now like he used to watch her and it's too much, he feels like he's watching into his past. As he stares into the tormented green eyes from the face on his enemy he feels them piercing him, torturing him, punishing him for every mistake he has made. He hates him for that, and he hates himself, and he hates Black and Pettigrew and Dumbledore and Voldemort and the entire world. He hates life every day since that horrible Halloween when she died, because what's the point of life without _her_? He hasn't felt happiness since the last time that he saw her and he still loves her more than anything else. The only reason he lives is for her, to protect that last piece of her that still exists, but he can't wait to find relief from his miserable existence.

He's watching him again, but really he's looking at those green eyes that he loved so much and for a second, just for a moment a ghost of smile comes on his tormented face and he's watching her again.


End file.
